im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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