I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
