i would punch a child for taco bell
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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