so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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