Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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