living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
