I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The uberlube is also flammable
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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