He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the condom got lost in my hair
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I supernannyed him into submission
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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