I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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