i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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