i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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