Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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