I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
