I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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