My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Less talking, more tequila
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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