So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Randomize
