I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
