Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
