I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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