checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
