is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
did i walk over a car last night?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
