I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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