I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
