how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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