yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
