Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
