I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
