i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
