Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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