I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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