My pussy is not your playground.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
