Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
