she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dick very happy bro
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
