He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
