and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
