Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
