I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
