If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
