My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
