He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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