Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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