i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
