I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
