Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
