I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
