This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
