Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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