Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
