Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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