My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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