When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
