i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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