worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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