I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
