Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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