I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
