I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
