I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
