I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
