After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
