i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I just forgot I was standing up.
pray to the hookup gods
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
