Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
