he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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