My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize