I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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