Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
