I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
