I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
