I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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